***

I was in America when my grandma died just a week before my birthday. I talked to her a couple of days before that and she asked me to call her on my birthday so she could wish me nice things. I couldn’t be at the funerals so I came to her village in summer. As always.

My family always visited her in summer because she lived two days by train and an additional hour by bus away from us. I recalled the usual excitement growing inside while the bus was getting closer to the village. She would always come outside at the gates to greet us, while I would run to hug her.

This “grandma’s south” always had specific, sunny smell and taste. I drowned into it this time too as soon as I got out of the train. Everything was the same: the bus left from the same place at the same time, fields and villages looked the same from the bus window, my grandma’s neighbor and best friend was sitting on the same bench waiting for the bus. That’s why it’s hard to believe that there is no grandma anymore. Her house still keeps the feeling of her presence even though there are no pictures of my grandpa on the walls and a huge pile of bookshelves up to the ceiling is empty (my dad sent the whole library to their house).

It’s hard to believe that me and her, we wouldn’t lie in bed next to each other and I wouldn’t tell her all about my “loved one”. She wouldn’t ask me “How much do you love him?” and wouldn’t tell me about grandpa who always stayed the one for her.

Last year I came alone because my dad and my sister came later. While waiting for the bus I decided to buy my grandma flowers. I have never brought her flowers before. I was so happy and proud of myself: finally I was a grown-up, I worked, and I could afford buying my grandma a huge bunch of lilies. She sat at the bus stop waiting for me, and I could barely see her behind my bouquet.

It all feels unnatural now: my sister standing at the stove and cooking instead of our grandma, me sitting in grandma’s favorite chair, my nephew excitedly reciting a poem that grandma couldn’t hear…

I don’t know how to name this post. What I know is that there is no point in being sad and depressed, even if at the moment you are not together with someone you love. It’s an infinite happiness to know that somewhere LIVES the person you love and who loves you. It means that there is always someone to share your feelings and thoughts with, someone to support you when life is hard, someone who is waiting for you. It means that there is always tomorrow.

Everything can be changed and fixed while the person is alive. After there is only grief left.