Hunger for more

I am not satisfied. I’m never good enough for myself. I always know that I can do better, that I can achieve more. It’s like a monster eating me from inside. Some people call it perfectionism; I call it hunger for more.

Every morning waking up at 9 am I think that I might have woken up at 7 am and have worked for 3 hours more. Every evening going to bed at 1 am I think about wasting my time on sleep. I also think about keen artists who work during the whole night because they can’t steal even a second from a process of creating their masterpieces. I am just a lazy and a weak looser then, because even when I am full of inspiration and bright ideas I need to sleep. I don’t have a good speed when I’m creating; I am distracted with a world around me and inside me way too often. I used to tell myself that I have many different talents, but obviously I just bury all of them. I feel every second just slipping away from my hands, every second is making my life shorter. My relatives, my friends, my boyfriend usually don’t understand that but I hate wasting time.

Perhaps, this hunger for more is selfish and obnoxious, but every minute of my life should be devoted to either getting a pleasure or achieving a goal. I need to level up every day in everything that I do. If I’m just marking time at my job, my writing, my music, my sport, my relations etc., I get bored right away and I don’t score anymore. This hunger is a close relative of my neophilia; every day I HAVE to achieve something new, I have to get over something. Only then I feel that I LIVE for real. I guess this hunger is a powerful motivation for my every effort, though it builds a lot of problems with self-satisfaction and enjoying my life. But I think being strict to oneself is not that bad actually, right? I am a fighter, a fighter who doesn’t know how to stop fighting.