The Wayward Bus or How to Become A Worldly-wise Traveler

Another night bus ride, this time from Atlanta to Washington DC. I have already realized that signs and announcements at the bus station don’t do any good. Signs usually are not in accord with reality. There was a sign “Montgomery” (the station where I was supposed to change the bus) at exit number four while my bus turned out to be at exit number nine which didn’t have any signs at all. As for announcements, it is almost impossible to unscramble a single word from them – they sound as if the announcers have just woken up.

Thus, being quick on one’s feet is the only thing that can save a poor traveler from the danger of remaining at the bus station in a state of blissful ignorance of the fact that his bus has already left. It’s helpful to watch closely all movements of the other people at the bus station. Especially, if they are gathering in groups, and all the more, if they start making a line. That is a moment when a n experienced traveler smells a rat and rushes to catch the nearest guy in uniform to ask if it is Washington DC where all of these people in line are going to. In ninety-nine point nine percent of cases your Washington DC, Montgomery, New Orleans or Detroit turns out to be a bus that will arrive in two minutes.

Nevertheless, sometimes these “two minutes” can expand to an hour. But an experienced traveler will remain vigilant; he will leave his small suitcase in line to save his place and keep his eye on baggage handlers in uniform, because they are the ones who will loudly rule over bus loading when the moment arrives. Anyway, there is always the option to catch other travelers (hoping that they are more experienced than you are), make an “I-am-completely-lost” face and  ask, mangling the English language, if they know which bus all of these people are waiting for. But rather often, it turns out you know more than this poor sap who doesn’t have a clue what is going on around him.

Finally, you are in the bus. In fact, now you can relax a little and enjoy the bus driver’s unique sense of humor. Every driver has his own “genious” jokes and phrases. Every driver has his own style of warning that in the bus you can’t smoke, drink, speak or chew loudly, snore or worst of all - heaven save you from it - annoy the driver.

Once, our driver stopped at the shoulder and went through the aisle trying to find out who was listening to loud music on headphones. When he found the troublemaker, he joked that loud music disturbs him from sleeping. The moral of the story is that your bus driver is your everything; you should cherish him as the apple of your eye.

Another sacred object during your bus trip is your boarding pass. At almost every stop (and thank God, they are not so numerous) everyone is kicked out of the bus (at least you can leave your luggage in the bus) to be sure that no one goes farther than the destination marked on their ticket. The main thing is to not mix up buses (seriously, they all look the same!) and to board YOUR bus. So don’t be afraid to look foolish and ask your driver twice if you will re-board the same bus or will have to change buses at this stop. Of course, he will think that you are a fool because he already announced three times that it will be the same bus to re-board. Maybe, he will even mock your sleepy face for a while. But after all, the driver is your everything and he is the one who will save your life when you get completely lost in a sea of announcements and directions. So, you better ask.

  However sleepy you are, at your transfer station you have to be three times as attentive as usual. The best strategy is to choose a victim (or even several) – passengers whose faces you remembered – and watch their movements. They headed toward exit number six suspiciously quickly? Hurry up and follow them! Remember? Signs and announcements are of no use! And don’t even think about dropping into the restaurant (a fancy name for a bus station fast-food dive) to have a snack! At that exact moment, your bus is departing.

Perhaps, that was how we lost one of our passengers. We were leaving Richmond and found ownerless luggage on one of the bus seats. Did you think that the driver would turn back? Never. He has his schedule, and nobody will check if you are in your place or not.

Aside from that…enjoy your trip. And try to get at least some sleep during these brief windows between stops. If you are lucky enough to not sit next to a talkative African-American script writer and actor who apparently has an aim to not let a smile disappear from your face. Sure, you already get used to keeping an “American” polite smile, so it’s not hard for him to complete his mission. Though, deep down, you really wish you can give him a strong and effective sleeping pill. Well, it is so nice of him to take care of you at the bus stops and give you compliments about your blue eyes. He is also very good at parodying the people around and making you laugh. But seriously! You planned to sleep, to dream, to think…but there is a solution! At the next bus station, find him new company, preferably a young girl, and “by mistake” take another seat on the bus, next to the other person.

And one last thing, remember, that in the bus an air conditioning system is similar to one in the plane -- more concerned about people being hot than being frozen. So, pull all of your sweaters out of your bag and use those that don’t fit (because you are already wearing five layers) to fill in the window sill– that is where the air conditioning system spews its icy breath.