Last Summer

That was last July. What is gonna happen this summer?

Where is it going?

I mean our world. Actually, it's my question of last three days.

It all started from international news in French. It started from the Hezbollah stories of Lebanon:
http://edition.cnn.com/2013/05/26/world/meast/lebanon-violence/index.html?hpt=wo_c1
Where people started killing each other not even because of the strifes in their own country (which actually existed before but wasn't that critical) but because of  the consolidation with the Syrian Sunni and the Syrian Alawis. I mean, it's not something new or unexpected - we hear such news almost every day since the beginnig of the world. Though usually it seems to be far from you and you don't feel it for real. You don't meet these people, you don't talk to them, you get used to those horrible pictures of destructions and deaths on your TV. They exist for you only on the SCREEN. Like in a cinema. You are in a comfortable chair on the other side. And as soon as the movie will be over you can go home and have you delicious dinner. And who cares? It's just on the screen.

But then once you meet real people FROM THERE. It was in April, in JFK aeroport where I talked to three Lebanese guys who were going to Minneapolis as well. They were very nice and polite, they even cheered me up (I was tired after long flight from Moscow and frustrated about plane delay for Minneapolis). And now I'm imagining them coming back from their business trip and living with their families in a place where people are shooting, where schools are closed, where houses are being destroyed... And I can't put these two pictures together: nice and cheerful men and the hell of the war.

And right after it was the story about an officer killed in Britain. What hit me wasnt' the murdery itself but the video where the killer is explaining his actions. It just sounds absurd - a British citizen was just killed and a killer is having an interview right on the spot. There are people around just passing by, mothers with strollers, cars on the road - everyone is going for his own business and nobody stops. The killer seems to be reasonable and logical, he isn't crying, he is EXPLAINING! So you can kill a person and then become a "star", to give the interview and you aren't even confused. I respect a lot this brave woman but the situation is
incredible. And scary. It's not the murder that horrifies but the reaction. *You definitely should make a video of that "exotic" scene - where else you would interview a killer just after a murder?*

Today was just an apogee of the world's nonsense. My friend has a birthday today and we finally accomplish our wish to visit a famous and  misterious museum - the one and only extant underground Bunker-42 situated at 65 meters underground in the center of Moscow. Absolutely astonishing place to visit -  one of the most secured "cold war" objects in the USSR. Projecting of the object began in 40s of last centuryto the order of I.V. Stalin. Then existed bunker (called "The Bunker of Stalin" nowadays) was not qualified as anti-nuclear so it was decided to build the proper one. In 1956 the object with the general square of more than 7000 m² was taken over by the state commission.  In 60s Bunker-42 was completely equipped with all requires in case of nuclear attack. The store of food, fuel, air regeneration and vent filter systems, a water supply system could provide the staff to be in ready alert during several months. 

Block #2 which is pretty often used by different movie directors as the decorations for movies about spies or the end of the world.

At this moment our guide suddenly closed the back door behind us and turned on an alarm informing us that our country was attacked by foreign ballistic missiles.

18 floors under the ground.

That was increadibly interesting tour, though... The thing that struck me during the tour was this inevitable and permant thought everywhere - "we are the best", "we will show these Americans who is the boss", "we are the strongest" etc. The "cold war" and the Caribbean crisis is far behind but the 13 years old kids when asked where they want to sent an intercontinental ballistic missile say all at once "to America". Actually this answer was preparing during the whole tour. Now imagine this horrible scene - the guide asks one of the kids to sit at the special machine that controls the missils (a real model) and offers him to "push the button". And the kid did it. And in the beginnig on the huge screen you see peaceful cities, people on the streets and in a few moments it's a panic, a wave destroying everything on its way, the mortal whirlwind. How would you feel knowing that you are obliterating the whole country even for a game?! The kids were applauding. No comments. Me and my friend were shocked. We thought that the idea of the whole tour was to feel in reality how dangerous is this "powers war", how mortal and merciless it is, how close we are to the "end of the world" if the governments of our countries will stupidly show off and pit their skills against each other. I'm not sure that kids got it. Unfortunately, it reminded me the same situation that I saw in the States in most of the museums - trying to show that "we are the best", that USSR was "the devil" who was to be stopped, that "we are the strongest". Why should only one  be "the best" and "the strongest"? For how long else our governments will convince us that we are ennemies when we are not? And what will our children play with? Assembling and dissassembling a hydrogen bomb? 

Good buy, Moscow State University!

Well, a month more and I won't be even able to enter the main building of Moscow State University because my student ID will be expired. Because my student time is over and it creates mixed feelings. They were great 5 years of my life, the years of growing up, of ups and downs, of enthusiasms and disappointments, of learning and working. Probably, the most intense and eventful period of my life. Tonight looking back at a 17 years old girl carrying a heavy and inconvenient desktop computer to the other side of Moscow because she isn't allowed to keep stuff in a dorm for the summer and thinking that one day she'll make enough money to NEVER carry heavy things again. The girl who found out on her 2nd day in Moscow that tears are useless just because they don't change anything and of you don't figure your problem out by yourself nobody is gonna do it for you. The girl who promised herself to get a good job enough to buy food in a decent supermarket and not in a cheap one which pretty far from her home so she had to carry these heavy bags on a long distance and to eat tasteless fruits. A girl who was working as a leader in a summer children camp to go to the sea for free. A girl who was looking for any opportunities to grow, to learn, to get the experience, to meet new people, to have a cultural life in the "capital of opportunities". If try to list all jobs I've had for those 5 years it'll be pretty diverse and long. So,
1) writing essays about some literary works for students of other university (they were busy adults who didn't want to write these essays by themseves and were making enough money to hire a student to do it for them)
2) finished courses for touristic guides and worked as a guide in Moscow and escort-guide to other cities and touristic places
3) an individual tutor for Russian language and English language (mostly with kids)
4) a teacher of Russian grammar for school students at weekend courses
5) an instructor for teambuilding
6) a presenter for corporate events
7) a manager in a travel agency
8) a leader in a summer camp
9) a PR (public relations) assistant in the electric company
10) an assistant in PR agency
11) a journatlist
12) an editor of a corporate newspaper
13) an instructor of Russian for foreign volonteers
14) a language assistant in an American college
15) a coach of efficient negotiations (worked my own training out and conducted it several times)

And here I am now: a girl who makes enough money to buy decent food in a nearest supermarket, to buy a decent and trendy clothes, to choose carefully where to work and what to do (and how much I'd like to make there), to pay for a dorm for summer to have the opportunity to leave my stuff in the room. A girl who has couple of great friends and don't need more because she appreciates few deep relations instead of tons of accidental acquaintances. A girl who has got a laptop and a smartphone bought by herself. A girl who could read what she likes and could easily watch movies in several different languages. A girl who travels a lot and prepares her trips herself. A girl who chooses only good plays and theaters and prefers reading at home to a crazy party in a bar. "Old" me.

So today it came to my mind that from now on (as I'm graduating) I won't do these things any more:
- drink an instant coffee (it's really disgusting but easy to make when you don't have any desire to go to the common kitchen)

- look at planes leaving the nearest airport and dream of flying to other place

- try to be at the dorm building before 2 am (it's closed from 2 am to 5 am)

- listen to the door clapping to get to the bathroom (one bathroom for 10 girls)

- sleep in the middle of the day among tons of sheets for exam scattered on the bed

- put colored stickers on my trots to get the right one quickly during the exam

- buy bars chocolate at university because you don’t have time for lunch

- look at that view (from my 9th floor):

- look for stamps on the bedsheets and  pillowcase to change for a clean one (an important rule: if you don't want to pay for "stolen" sheet you should check a BLUE stamp each time you get a clean set - once in 10 days) - it's a captivating game because usually those stamps are almost obliterated

- draw flowers or abstract objects on the margins of my notebook because the lecture is super boring or because it makes me pondering better

- save all my classmates who aren't ready for a class by answering most of the prof's questions

- read the abstracts of classical Russian and foreign literature just because it's impossible to read 150 books for the exam in few months 

- hear "come to me, freebie!" every exams period at midnight from several windows of a dorm (students believe that brings them luck for exams)

- to decode these misterious Old Slavonic texts:

- listen to Beatles songs and to stories about Scotland every English class

- mechanically imagine the syntactical formula of each sentence you hear

Thank you, university and my student life. Welcome to a new part!

05.24.2013

05.24.2013

Welcome to the world without hot water. Actually, I must admit that cold rub-down is pretty refreshing. Plus you aren’t cold any more in your room. Interesting, how a good willing and a good mood works. While being in the bathroom, thought with malicious joy that it would be fun to see my roommate going to the shower and coming back with a disappointed face. I was still a little bit angry at her about yesterday 1a.m. guest – nobody likes to come home in the middle of the night looking forward to jump into the bed and sleep and to find that your neighbour has a guest who obviously isn’t from dorm (means she’s gonna stay here over night) and that they are in the middle of celebrating something. Even if they went somewhere else to not disturb you from sleeping. But here is the miracle about good mood. Alina woke up and said “Good morning” and my mouth gave her the whole information about an absence of hot water by itself! And you feel better about doing something good.

Thanks God, finally I've started this blog!

03.11.2013

03.11.2013

Two days like the whole year. So much adrenaline yesterday and so much information, feeling, impressions, observations, discoveries today. Gosh, I’ve never talked to so many people at one day. Almost 5 hours only consisted of communication. And it wouldn’t be so hard if some people be the same or some people be not that uncommon, that distinctive, that creative, that much Personalities.

I must say that “la stage” started from yesterday morning, since we found out that we’ve just found a new place to describe and that we don’t have even a hint of a questionnaire. Can’t say that it’s easy and nice to work with someone who has a different type of conscious than you do. I mean Olja is ok until she starts working with some “mind stuff” – she is so damn slow and too meticulous about every smallest point. She rereads it again and again and spends an hour on just formulizing afew words. I definitely can’t work like that. If the things are obvious why should we try to invent a wheel if it was invented before? Well, after 4 hours it was more or less ready for checking out. And we ran to a meeting with an ex-chef of a place we were going to work in cause he lives in Moscow now and… cause he was so nice to give us (whom he met first time in his life about 8 hours ago in Vkontakte) an interview before we went to Vologda.

Absolutely charming person. Though pretty  closed and outwardly restrained. It’s noticeable that he doesn’t spend a word without a sense, he ponder quickly about every sound of gesture he makes, he doesn’t give an any opportunity to catch him in a trap (even though we didn’t have such intention). He keeps a distance but is nice and well-mannered (“tea or coffee?”). He is very well-balanced and it reveals a professional in his field (PR – director) and wins all hearts. A long conversation and thoughts about young talented people who at their 25 already created so many amazing and really working projects and who doesn’t only make money but get them for a real deal and knows how to get a profit and to self-actualize creatively at the same time. They live their work. May be it’s good may be not but it’s about life.

Ok, I’m not gonna get all of that stuff today so a phrase of the day (definitely won’t remember tomorrow): “An architecture does have a logic but doesn’t have rules” (a designer-architect of “The wings” Alexandre).

03.08.2013

03.08.2013

It’s unbelievable! The whole day I’m thinking about sitting calmly in the evening and finally registering all my thoughts and impressions of the day, and finally got the comfortable position for writing don’t have anything useful in my mind! It’s so annoying. I should either have a recorder to save my momentary emotions or sudden revelations or to make myself concentrate really profoundly.    

Starting from yesterday when I’ve watched eventually this grandstanding French movie “L’amour” which actually is unquestionably genius but pretty sore to watch. The whole movie represents the dying of a paralyzed woman and her husband who takes care of her while suffering from not being able to make her feel better and from being bound to see how his beloved women is tormented. The action is incredibly long and uneventful but this nothing-is-happening and an emptiness of some moments only make the viewer feel a drama much deeply. You almost sense physically this hopelessness and pain in the silence of lots of shots. It is exactly how it goes in our life – nothing deserving a movie or a book, nothing really dramatic usually happens to us, our tragedies are mediocre. But they are deep and serious for us, they make us, change us, effect us, sometimes ruin us and sometimes bring us back. But at all events, the movie was pretty hard to watch even though there was so much love in it, and it perfectly contrasted with the feeling of tragedy in every move. And after all they both are happy – they had a long, joyful and replete life together, going hand in hand. Why then does the movie have this complicated effect on viewer’s feeling and emotional state? Well, may be, it’s what all genius works have…

Another strong element of my high spirits is the time spent with my “little family” this week – peaceful Monday evening with flowers from my sister, delicious meat (how can I refuse?) cooked by her (I eat meat only at her and she reliably keeps my secret) and happy Max’s face in the children club and her refuse to let me leave in the evening. Wednesday with amazing kinder garden play while being incredibly proud of my “superstar” nephew and so pleasant feeling of being “mama” and dancing with my kid. That was how happy days started – from me beautiful sister, from chitchat of my nephew through my still being asleep, from a fragrant cup of coffee made for me by Nastya’s mother-in-law, from small yellow Kolobok scampering around the hall.

And on Friday the best day ever – the spring holiday (well, it was freezing and unpleasantly windy) completely spent with my charming sister and not less charming nephew (well, today he was pretty often nasty). So many interesting things to see and to learn. Firstly, this wonderful snakes exhibition – I’ve never touched a piton (it’s so magnetic and magic), I’ve never seen so beautiful snakes and I’ve never had an old snake skin in my wallet (or getting more money in it)! Do you know that you shouldn’t touch a snake not when it’s hungry but when it’s just eaten? If they are digesting at the time you take them in hands different pieces of their victims (harmful parts – as bones for instance) would move in their gullet making them having a bellyache what no one would be fun of, right? So have you seen anyone in a good mood not biting others when he/she has a bellyache? Me neither. 

Second place – unforgettable exhibition “A stone flower” – marvelous oeuvres of nature made from jewels. A world of miracles when you almost hear a soniferous voice of a small brook of a crystal or delicate odor of the first spring may lilies of a jasper and some white precious stone which I don’t remember a name. A world of alive beauty.

And for the bright conclusion a French evening in the park Hermitage with delicious honey cake “For my beloved mum” and real French croissants, with hot punch and warm coffee, with such familiar sound of Paris accordion and favorite Piaf songs, with Max dancing in the middle of the crowd and creating everyone’s smiles, with a small fragile tulip presented to me by Max who got it from a fantastically amusing and nice mime. Also with frozen legs, warming up by hugging a gas burner and chattering because of the cold. And in the very end my beloved nephew with his favorite book about Ally from Kansas (it actually never came to my mind before that beautiful in Russian spelling Элли is actually pretty mediocre English Ally) and tons of his poking about questions and his ravishing laughter. Sweetly sleeping now for have “tomorrow” as soon as possible…

P.S. Don’t want to forget a very interesting and informative Sarah’s blog about her life in Indonesia – she definitely has to publish all of that in America – it would be a relevance for a lot of people! Also her style is so literate and readable at the same time that I bet writing is one of her talents! I wish I can have such a great blog with so much information, knowledge, discoveries, revelations and deep thoughts about life, countries, religious, feelings and a lot of other important things that we usually don’t notice, while they are way serious in our life. I even had a dream about translating her book into Russian… And I wish I can write in English like her. 

03.06.2013

03.06.2013

After long dark night of bad mood, irritation, hating everything and everyone around, lame appearance and tons of chocolate, I’m back to a bright nice (well, almost – except my roommate) world. That was hard time of nerves and frustrations, but it’s finished eventually. I feel an aroma of creativity and a fresh taste of a desire to learn about the world, to move, to communicate, to go on.

That is how the happiest days start – from close beloved people, from a pretty sister, from “aunt Katja”, from fragrant coffee, from a yellow Kolobok in the kindergarden… My nephew was so brilliant and active - he played the main character in the performance for 8^th of March in his kinder garden. First time in my life I assisted on the kinder garden play and didn’t expect myself to be so touched. It should be so amazing to be a parent. And again was convinced that I love my sister’s family a lot.

Some thoughts:

Even in the childhood boys are making a destroy, while girls are putting things in order.

Great quotes about women:

 After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. © Marc Twen

 If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody. © Jerome Salinger
There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. © Stephen Stills

 A man chases a woman until she catches him. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. © James Thurber

 When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register. © Ambrose Bierce

 I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.. © John Steinbeck

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.©  Eleanor Roosevelt

Also finally watched the video about eroticism and passion sent me by Brian. It’s one of the best talk about sex and desire I’ve ever heard. So deep and sincere. It’s true that the base of a passion and desire is inside you, in your imagination. You can’t make an amazing love of your brain is tense. You just can’t. And there should be a special erotic universe between you two, where you can allow your imagination to make you whatever you dreamed to be. Without a shame, without a fear. Sure, there should be an incredible degree of trust. So that you can surprise and you can be surprised as well.

Really love her phrase about love and desire: love is when you need a familiar, a defense, a responsibility, a care for you from your partner. But desire is when you want something unknown, an adventure; go far away from home, be a different person, to be irresponsible. 

02.21.2013

02.21.2013

Yesterday I was too tired to write things down and went to bed early. And I must admit – it’s such an amazing feeling to go to bed early and then to wake up in the morning without the alarm after having enough sleep. May be it’s a waste of time though but it feels sooo good!

Yesterday was such a great day, although pretty inefficient in terms of preparing to my study and work. But on the other side it was so wonderful to meet dad, to spend time with him, to talk about movies, literature and history. He’s the only one I can have such a profound conversation on these topics. He repeated 3 times: “Come to visit us already…” I feel kind of guilty and sorry. Dad is not the person who will talk about feelings too much, and if HE said it three times instinctively that means they are really missing me. Damn it! I promised to come every month and what? I can’t come even for holidays. I love my work but I hate this inability to see my family. I know that I do right things; I’m earning my living but still… Looks like again I’m choosing work instead of family.   

Thoughts in a subway: one of the repulsive scenes – a girl making up in a subway. A girl should keep her secrets “chez elle”.

A tremendous evening with the best music ever (jazz evening with Sabina). Incredibly beautiful songs about love, about girls, about guys, about feelings and emotions, about words and about silence. And lovely music, to which you get completely relaxed and warmed. At one moment I even felt swimming to a wonderful sea of love and happiness, when you know for sure that your time is coming and despite all hardships you’ll be together. And it hit me that actually he had changed my life a lot. It’s not just dating some guy, who if leaves you wouldn’t make your life too different from what it was. I’m already not what I was before meeting him and there is no way to come back. English became my second native language, I love speaking it and I can’t imagine myself staying here and forgetting this “English universe”. The whole my mind is turned to other direction – there is no way for me to stay. And it scares me – I don’t want to be broken if something goes wrong. But at the same time it motivates to move on. Cause it’s not only him– it’s myself who has changed what means that from now I can move only forward.

Even while working out I’ m glad to feel strong and powered (especially working with weights) and knowing that my body is perfect and still modifying to better. 

02/18/2013

02/18/2013

 It still surprises me – how one can live like me now: working 5 days a week only in the evenings (well, except weekend), having so much free time – and still be short of time, still struggle to find a minute for herself? Now I have only French college and work and I can’t realize my plans for a day completely, I don’t have time just to sit and to think, time to write, time to create, time to embroider. I was supposed to have a “weekend” today and to have a lot of stuff to be done. But for 10 pm now the score is only “commentaire pour Donatienne” and “questionnaire et l’information sur un stage à Vologda”.  Not too bad but only 20% of scheduled. And more new duties are entering my world – a state exam is imminent and I have to get ready. I don’t attach too much importance to it though.

 Anyway some pleasures and a time for beloved people is always booked. My sister is really nice and sweet, and nephew is about being inimitable. We all had a great time in café and horsing around at home after. 

Can’t find the illustration to Brusov “Earth axis” – the name of the picture is “Last martyrs”. Two kissing figures. How precise! We are torturing ourselves with loves and passions, going on a fire of our own free will, confessing our delusions as a world faith.

A quote of today: Ray Bradbury “Dandelion wine”:

A love is when you want to spend with someone all four seasons. When you want to run away with someone from a spring storm to hide under a blossoming lilac and to berry and to swim in the river in summer. To make a jam together and to seal up windows in fall. To help to go through a cold and to while away long evenings in winter. 

02/17/2013

02/17/2013

Painting that hit my feelings:
D. Soliani “A head of a young saint”, 16 centuary
It was such a beautiful face, shining with a love to the world and with some “supernaturality” if I might say so. There was something that made a painting illuminate a wall on which it was hanging.

02/15/2013

02/15/2013

I probably must say 02/16/2013? because it’s quarter to 2 a.m., but my impressions are about 15^th. And they are so pleasant and inspiring. Starting from the end, I’ve just got a letter from Brian who had a great day full of entertainments in Paris and who loves Paris. That news made me so unbelievably happy that I may consider that the most important thing for me now is to know that he is happy and enjoying his life. I feel in the seventh heaven when I see him smiling and his eyes shining. The best painting ever.

By the way talking about paintings. Finally (after a little struggle with myself) made myself to visit Pushkin’s museum to see an exhibition “Five centuries of Italian art” (graphic works). And it was really interesting, not everything though. Especially enjoyed 19-20^th centuries, but also some of the 16^th (which was pretty rich). I’ve got some new interesting information (for example, about mannerism in Italian art of 16^th century or that a frog is as well a symbol of the harmony between lovers (don’t see the bond actually), or about magic realism (sounds intriguing, right?), few questions for further researches (who are “puttis” or the story of Bacchus and Ariadne) and impressive discoveries (how a gifted artist can make the world on the canvas shine as a sunny day without using any colors?).

Incidentally (as having extra time before going to work) have seen an exhibition of gems. Nothing too special but really striking how one can create so delicately and detailed image on such a tine surface. Unbelievable!

Kids are the best as always (I’m so proud of my dear babies). And the final chord of super and sunny day – Les Miserable. It was a true recreation for the mind and a soul, incredibly beautiful music and such a great filming. I’m again impressed with Britishers – the way the make movies. So much style and so severe – how to show a deep psychological insight, a profound drama of first revolutions in France without all these naturalistic splashes of blood and “Hollywood” long and artistic falling on the ground. Nothing excess – only tremendous acting of all characters (even small children – a street kid is just about peerless) and absolutely gorgeous and poignant music and songs. Such a beautiful and great-made movie! And my splendid friend next to me.

Everything is just wonderful when it comes to your great mood. So a little bit freezing and piercingly fresh air was bracing and motivating to move on. 

02/15/2013

02/15/2013

Suddenly found out a pleasant thing – it’s the middle of February already! So great that February is short month – it’s even a little bit more than a half of the month gone. Then it’ll be March and then my favorite month and a complete happiness. And anyway there will be some certainty. At least some. Cause I’m tired of trying “not to think about it”. And I hope this freaking weather will be gone – I’m not good at dealing with this grey sky every day. The amazing bright sun showed up only for 2 days and now a despondency of the world came back. Well, I’m not that bad with this being warm and safe at home, drinking delicious tea with lemon and honey in a SILENCE of our section (all these yelling freshmen left for classes – I’m so much enjoying it).

Wanted to write for last three days but… May be it’s laziness, maybe I’m just tired in the evening so that I don’t have enough moral forces to make myself speak. Anyway here we are. As I have now some additional free time I have to use it for self-developing and self-educating. Means museums, books, movies, music, news and languages, languages, languages. Still feel that I don’t study them enough. I don’t enrich my vocabulary; I’m kind of passive in my working on English and French.

Another thing is creative work. I have time for it and for people I love but I don’t use it efficiently. I have to write, to make surprises to my family and friends, to Brian, develop my talents. I’m going to sit down and to ponder what I can do for everyone. Because I have so many creating forces just hidden and sleeping inside me. So let’s WAKE them UP!

Yesterday in a subway. It’s Valentine’s Day. A guy next to me – nothing special, headphones in ears, an I-phone in hands, reading something on it. I’m taking a squint at his phone – he opened the conversation of texts with someone. Looking at the addressee – it’s “my love”. I think how cute it is and how sensitive the guy should be. He is opening the music he is listening to. It’s Leningrad, hard rock. I’m trying to correlate these two facts in my mind. In vain. He is coming back to reading. I see the title of the chapter – “Encyclopedia. Four images of love”. Sounds like Plato or Aristotle. I got confused completely. Leningrad, my love and philosophy. A great mix for the guy of early twenties.

Yesterday was the day of love. There are too many words and thoughts of it in the world. Guys with flowers and presents everywhere. Seems sweet but… For me the biggest present would be just to see him and never let us separate. He wrote me that was thinking about sending me flowers but they would be dead during that long way so he offered a “rain-check”. I really love the notion of this word – like there is rain situation between us now, but next year it’ll be sunny and we’ll have a great Valentine’s Day. And you know what is meaningful? He is going to Paris so we can talk again only next Wednesday. But the feeling of being glad and happy for him because he will see the city he dreamed about and enjoy French language he also like a lot is much stronger than a grief for not seeing him for so long and a torture that he is much closer to me (only few hours far) but I can’t see him. I think that is love. It’s simple. And that’s him who taught me it. 

02/09/2013

02/09/2013

Don’t even remember what the day is today. Probably I’m just tired. Reading ‘Candid’ by Voltaire – his sarcasm about determinism - and thinking that actually it’s one of the biggest things that help me to sustain hard times. When you can believe that all these damn things happening to you are just determined (to train you, to check you, to make good times that will come after more desirable and enjoyable) and that they just had to happen, you can stand and see the point in struggling it. So that’s how I see it now – I have to go through these long distance relations to learn being more patient and wise, less selfish and rude, to appreciate and see them as one of the most precious things in my world.

The other thing is that when you are so tired you want to come home. Home which means not anyone except you! Not these annoying neighbors, not this pestered roommate. I know she is ok, but she annoys me with everything, just her present in this room annoys me. It’s horrible, it wasn’t like that in the beginning. But when you are tired you don’t want to be nice with people.

From past thoughts – good music can create a feeling of infinity from movies. 

01.07.2013

01.07.2013

Can’t believe it – I return this amazing feeling of waking up in the morning incredibly happy. Things are going so right; even hardships are small and not a big deal. My body is sore but I like that kind of a pain – means that you worked out enough yesterday. And I’m going there again to work out more and to feel powered and light again.

Yesterday good work on French novels of 20^th century, and 15 for exam! So proud of myself. And despite of all hardships envelopes are bought and even food is in the fridge. French news in the very evening and healthy life style with going to bed at midnight. And finally the great event with Lena (she is so nice) – public shoц of very interesting filming project “Train”. 24 directors and cameramen from different countries went from Moscow to Vladivostok by train while making short documentaries about Russian life. It was amazing! First time after coming back here felt as a part of this big country, felt a love to it. It came to me with this song “Ой, то не вечер” sang by a chorus, with these simple people who work from early morning until late evening, who don’t have a hope but know how to have fun on holidays. “You work, rest and continue working”. “I always wanted to get married. Don’t know why”. About drinking vodka and creating talented poems, about swimming in the ice hole and first thing after – making a photo instead of warming up, about cars that shouldn’t work but they work. About Russians. As they are – kind, depressed, cruel, greedy, charitable, strong, calm, cheerful, persistent. About life. Hard but happy cause everyone has his own measure of happiness.

And today my cheeks have a color. Nice day.

02.05.2013

02.05.2013

Laziness is the worst thing in the world – it kills every good beginning. It kills creativity, good intentions, truth, principles, courage. Everything. I wanted (really wanted which happens not that often) to write here 2 days ago. But… Laziness. And yesterday was the most useless day – didn’t do anything planned. Well, the good thing was to spend the whole day with my sister – it was amazing chance to be only two of us which we have very-very rarely. Also embroidered the dress of a girl. But still… Coming home I was full of intention to do a lot, to free today for going to fitness. And… here we are – I’m at home, doing all what I had to do yesterday, the body is sore, the head heavy because went to bed very late etc. And who is blame on? Only yourself.

All right, so 2 days ago I was incredibly happy to see Brian and to find out that he was missing me, that he wrote the whole bunch of letters to me. And that again he is the most handsome and fascinating guy to me. Today is exactly a year since we started dating. I know it’s not that big deal but still I’m happy that a year ago I stayed for a Super Bowl. Actually, it made us closer.

And weekend was also good cause my new kids are awesome and the life is getting better and better. May be, February isn’t gonna be so miserable as usually. 

01.29.2013

01.29.2013

Baby is alive and moving. A little bit released. But now we all have got this constant fear for her health and her baby’s life, because if it happens once, it could mean that something is going wrong. Another bad (or not that bad news) – she’s gonna be there for at least 10 days. Means that I will have to help with Max who is at home with a virus in his body. But I have work this weekend, and my French college starts. So crazy life again.

Another good news – I’m done with my diploma paper! And I’m so proud of myself, just about super proud of my own genius. So only some formalities left. When I come back I can concentrate on other things, on my self-educating and my future. Damn it, I feel that there is something surprising waiting for me in my e-mail… I feel it. I’m gonna have it in two days, right?

01/28/2013

01/28/2013

It always happens like that – everything seems to be sleepy and calm, when suddenly something falls upon you and you feel like a fish on land. Mom has called me and said that Nastya is in the hospital with a threat of miscarriage (damn, I’ve already learnt this horrible word). And tons of bad thoughts came. Nothing is clear yet, but mom said it’s very bad in such early period, because for 70% it means that the kid could be born with some defects in health (it’s even better to make the abortion). I couldn’t believe that everything is so bad. She had a bleeding, and I’m worrying about her as well – it’s really dangerous for her life. And this uncertainty… She wrote that it is killing her – she wants to know what is going on, but doctors (oh, stupid Russian doctors!) couldn’t say anything for sure.

And my fears had come again – fears that what I’m dreaming about will fail and won’t happen for some reasons when I’ll be already sure that everything is going the right way. All these fears and worries don’t allow me to feel happiness, to enjoy my living now, my relations, my dreams.

I was dreaming about this baby just today. What if something bad would happen? No, it shouldn’t! The new year should be happy and lucky! To compensate for a half of 2012. It should. I believed you.

Yesterday came the thought that I want to go to Istanbul. I want to go there along, to walk on the streets thinking and feeling, to drop in the mosques, to sit barefooted on the carpet with a head wrapped up with a headscarf and feel safe and calm, to find the harmony with a world again, and to find my right way. To find the mystery of life. To escape this dirty snow and empty heart, this low grey sky and black jackets. I need sun, I need a hope. 

01/27/2013

01/27/2013

All right, I’m done with this stupid miserable part of 2012. So let’s start this as my new year started – from the blank page.

 Damn it! Why am I hungry at 11 pm?!

I have to be strong (the voice inside is seducing me with a ryazhenka in the kitchen) – there is no other way to survive this winter. I’m fed up with this cold, wind and snow. And especially with this detestable grey low sky which is making me depressed. Just survive the left part of the winter as a perfect lady and your spring will come together with your trip to America. Forbid myself to dream about it – there were too many dreams about Amsterdam.

(No! You brushed your teeth – you can’t eat any more!)

Talking to myself all the time  – sound ridiculous, but I do it all my conscious life. So in a shower came to a description of 5 most important features of “my guy”

1) responsibility

2) a skill to listen

3) intelligence

4) courage (to make decisions)

5) good sense of humour

Getting better here in terms of appearance and health, but worse in terms of mood – I REALLY need to live along, I really need to have my own (even small) place. Otherwise I’m getting irritable and unbearable, cause I don’t like to be disturbed when I don’t want to be disturbed. I know – sounds selfish, but all that necking stuff from my Granny annoys me. Well, only three days left – I have to be tolerant and nice. She lives along for 20 years. I can’t imagine that for myself – I would get mad.

So I’m shutting up because charming Jonny Depp is waiting for me in a fearful Secret Window. I will definitely live in other country. 

12.05.2012

12.05.2012

From the past:

It seems that I’m getting used to all these small “bad lucks”. They don’t arouse especially strong emotions.

5 minutes for tears and go on!

Moscow is so beautiful when it’s sunny. I wish you could be here to see it. If you are here one day I want us to ride a river buss to look at the Moscow from the Moscow river – it has an amazing view. You would definitely enjoy it. You know it’s believed to be one of the most romantic things to do in Moscow, but for 4 years living here I’ve never tried it. Well, probably I was just waiting until I meet you?)

10.16.2012

10.16.2012

During such lonely dinners full of thoughts about him and memories of their romantic dinners together, only for two of them, she was close to a complete determination of happiness and love. 

10.15.2012

10.15.2012

It’s already almost 2 months passed but I still didn’t accept this reality. It’s not good I know but it seems like I would already never accept it completely. It hit me today that I actually perceive this world as something opposed to me. I get used to it, I can stand it but I don’t accept it as mine, this world is still foreign for me. I meet new people, I communicate, I don’t play a bad mixer, I’m not arrogant (well, I suppose sometimes I’m), I get people I communicate most (I can’t say friends), but… all this is just superficial, nothing deep and serious. I see these people only in classes, and actually I don’t want more (they I suppose neither). And I realized that except Nastya I don’t have friends here. But I love my souvenirs about Inara and Coline and I share my thoughts and moods with them. Again – here I’m alone. I’m alone in my dance team; I’m still an outsider on work, I’m alone in French college. It’s a little bit a strange feeling for sociable me. But I can’t say that it hurts me. I feel as avoiding deep relations as I don’t feel this world as a world where I’m going to spend my life. Weird, but I stopped at some point being nice with people. In my mind this world is a challenge and I just feel as I should go through it, stand this hard test to deserve happiness. It gives me more and more problems and hardships as trying to fall me. I’m in permanent struggling with this world around me. I don’t accept it, it doesn’t accept me in reverse.

When your life is full of misfortunes and failures every sign of a warm attitude is much more noticeable. Thank you, nice girls from a Center of Social Security. You are real inconspicuous heroes of this world – every day you make so many people happy and feel better, you even safe despaired hearts. And you are so simple and unpretentious, but so kind and sympathetic.

From preceding:

 You know, one day these strange and enticing lights outside the window an this solitude inside you will remain just souvenirs of the past, distant and passed…

It is definitely contra-indicated for girls not having enough sleep, carrying heavy bags and leaving far away from their boyfriends – they become malicious, arrogant and acrimonious racists.

When there is at least a tiny piece of blue sky reflected it the puddle, it’s already easier to stay up.

10/08/2012

10/08/2012

Raining, dark, cold, sad. Making coffee without even washing my cup – there is no sense in it. Too much coffee. A wonderful feeling of running hot water all over your body. Love morning shower.

From preceding:

Sunday. Early morning. Subway car. There is at least one fantastic thing about getting up early on Sunday – from windows of subway train you see sunny peaceful morning in a shy beauty of a new weekend day in the city…

About love. We are two opposite poles with you. Noticed a commercial about down-padded coats – a picture of happy girls under the snow in hats and scarves. Thought how much I don’t like winter. It reminded me of you – you like it more than summer. We are so opposite with you but somehow we are drawn to each other.

10/04/2012 Sunny shining day. Wake up half an hour before your alarm with this amazing feeling of having had enough sleep. Warm and cozy in the room. Our day is going to be great. We were laughing in my dreams. Contagiously and hearty.

Moscow in a dreamful smoke. So happy to walk to the pensive city and smile while thinking of you. Life is beautiful when it’s filled with love.

 An absurd of what is going on in my university is just hitting me.

10/06/2012 Blame only yourself. You are making the same mistake again and again. You are not well-disciplined. That’s why you are so inefficient. 

09/24/2012

09/24/2012

A day of little good things. Money for short, tired old woman with a stick who asked for 32 rubles to buy medicines. I felt so sorry for her. Gave her 50 rubles and wanted to hug her, to support.

A day of lost things. I lost one of my favorite hand-made earrings somewhere on the way from home to café. A guy going ahead dropped 1000 rubles. I gave to him. A pleasure from doing a little good. But have I only looked at a woman sitting opposite me in a subway car and she lost her earring as well. I’m conveying karma or what?

Sometimes life gives us surprising fortuities. For sure, it was unpleasant to wait for an hour for the interview which lasted for 5 minutes for an unlear company (for the position of Russian teacher) . However, if you are waiting with a person who had been living in America for 15 years and got PhD over there, it changes the situation. And this hour of waiting turns out to be more important that an interview.

From yesterday:

Wonderful! You wanted to work your abs out? Here you got everything – the abs, arms, legs… (working out during dance practice)

In a subway: A young guy with an impressive volume in hands. looked at me in expectation, then sat down on free place. “A steep” is written on the cover. A serious young man.

A tent on the quay of Moscow River. A romantic idea – “let’s sit on the bank and enjoy a view? It will be raining around and people will run somewhere under their umbrellas, but it’ll be warm and cozy and beautiful between us…”

09/24/2012

09/24/2012

Two nightmarish days. And you call this “weekend”???

 Incredibly difficult texts in reading part of TOEFL, 6 lectures on different subjects in listening. My brain was dead after these two first parts. However, speaking wasn’t so hard as I expected it to be and writing was admissible, though I didn’t have enough time to reread my second essay. Hopefully, not so many mistakes.

*I really need coffee. I don’t have one anymore. I need it right now!*

And all this horror movie with getting this stupid center in time in the morning: with taxi driving me to the wrong address, with an absence of any signs on the doors and floors to find this center and with broken elevator. Pure adrenaline. Plus thin cardboard squares between computers instead of barriers and a small room for about 7 people.

Anyway I’ve done with it. After leaving a building I felt really ruined and I awfully need a tonic as coffee or chocolate. In a shopping mall they didn’t have any place with good coffee to take out. I was getting depressed, and then in the subway stall I decided to buy a chocolate. A sale woman was arranging new goods and when I asked her if she could serve me she looked at me as I was blank without even paying attention to what I’ve asked. I damned and left. I felt as I hated this country because even if you pay a lot of money you risk having really poor service and unaffordable attitude toward you and because most of these unskilled salesmen just don’t care about their profit and could not care a damn about you wanting them to serve you. I hate this attitude toward me everywhere – as you are nothing! Unless you  have a lot of money to appeal only to reliable places of high-class level or you have powerful friends (or lovers) who provide everything for you, you are going to face this “you are nothing, wait outside the door” just about everywhere (especially if you are a student – I can’t believe how I managed to live my first year here!). I can’t stand it! I know much more that these miserable office small fry and I depend on them? It’s ridiculous!

In a subway car I saw two puppies in the cage being transported by a woman – they were so cute and sweet that I smiled and my mood has been elevated. Finally, I felt as things would be set up and I would realize my dreams.

Sunday was even harder – first day of teaching English. Such a mess in the head and in discipline. It is hard – 3 hours of studying foreign language for 12-14-age teenagers is inconvenient. And a program is pretty scrappy, that’s why it was difficult to keep everything in mind. Well, anyway you like challenges – that was one of them.

It was an evening of communication – 4 phone calls and scype with Inara. Warm and cozy. I love them all…­ But it aggravates my anguish – I miss Inara, Brian, Sarah and Coline a lot. I was so happy to have all of them with me… Well, I should work to see all of them again. ­­  

09/21/2012

09/21/2012

I can tell you how the perfect morning looks like. It is:

-          texts to the people you love with simple words wishing a good day

-          a sunny weather and warmly lighted buildings on the horizon

-          an amazing view from the window on the cozy water of ponds (even of you can’t see anything from the table because a windowsill is crammed)

-          a fresh air from the opened window with a touch of a pleasant coolness

-          my favorite “wonder” – taste of yogurt

-          invigorating music and a little flavor of dance

-          curly hair after a yesterday’s shower

-          a sense of the life’s delight

-          a strong decision to live in a different way (for nth time)

09/17/2012

09/17/2012

Entering the new level. Just feel like absolutely free and happy today. I was surprised and smiled when greeting an acquaintance with “Hey” in English mechanically. It’s a big deal – to change your mentality, but it’s worth – you go to a new level of your mind. I was so satisfied yesterday reading French article with a feeling that it’s English one. I mean it’s amazing – I was reading it at the same ease as English one. Only after few minutes I noticed that it was French.

Another wonderful feeling – a dance inside me. My soul is singing and dancing, and this movement reflects in every part of my body. I’m coming back to a dancing state! As my coach Andrew said – you should make you free again, you should get back this hip-hop feeling of slackness and energy at the same time. I’m walking on the street, listening to music in my headphones and feeling this music with all my organs, I see the dance for it in my mind. And I don’t care how I look like from outside – I’m in my own world and I’m happy over there.

All in all, it comes to me – now I know that all these “requirements” don’t matter. If you keep all rules, you visit all these lectures that don’t interest you at all or they are not your top priority, but you are not happy and satisfied with your life, who cares? What you’ll be useful for with your permanently depressed face and feeling that you are missing something important. You should do what you are considering as important and appropriate for you – for you, not for people around you, your colleagues or your friends, your parents or other family members. And it’s not true that you can’t make enough money by doing what you like to do and accordingly what you are good at. If you love working with kids or teaching, or organizing events, or writing, just do it. And find enough time for what is hobby! Like for dancing for instance.

Thus, I was walking in the sun today, feeling warmth and light (I can’t live without sun – it definitely forms my mood!) and dancing and singing inside. It is just another fall in my life, but I know I gonna change my life this year – I gonna live where I would like to live, speak the language I like speaking, love the man I’m loving despite of all discrepancies, getting new friends and new activities, spending time with friends I have now and I really like etc. And damn all other stuff!

Helping to people, smiling, doing what you see you should do. French college and dancing is more important for me that these stupid lectures! Well, I wouldn’t hasten with forming an opinion of French college as the meeting for test was awfully useless and full of arrogance in condescending manner. But let’s see… Probably, lectures will be better than this old refined boot.

Reading “Babbit” in subway and smiling most of the time. Though Brian is not impressed with him I really enjoy this book. In my view the author shows all these stereotypes (yes, Brian, they exist and I would say more – they are noticeable for a person from outside) very subtly and deeply, in a sharply critical but sad mood at the same time. And it’s so ordinary image that sometimes you even recognize yourself in it and you get upset because these moments don’t look exciting.

Little things which made me happy today:

-                     letter from Inara how much she is missing my “class and grace” (she is so sweet, my dear girl)

-                     marshmallow sticks (yeeee, they are delicious)

-                     droll chapters from “Babbit”

-                     a call from college – work starts this Sunday (finally!)

-                     that is so amazing coming home and finding no one (no “kissing” couples after 10 pm any more!)

-                     conversation about “our men” with Ange (she is definitely a nice girl and she is dating New Zealand guy)

-                     getting a ready filled form for month ticket for subway

-                     a shower after dance practice and fresh clean sheets

-                     liking my reflection in the mirror

Bad things:

I hate this subway with its thick and fetid air, with its pushing themselves into cars people and slow thinkers! Moscow tires me in some degree.