10.15.2012

10.15.2012

It’s already almost 2 months passed but I still didn’t accept this reality. It’s not good I know but it seems like I would already never accept it completely. It hit me today that I actually perceive this world as something opposed to me. I get used to it, I can stand it but I don’t accept it as mine, this world is still foreign for me. I meet new people, I communicate, I don’t play a bad mixer, I’m not arrogant (well, I suppose sometimes I’m), I get people I communicate most (I can’t say friends), but… all this is just superficial, nothing deep and serious. I see these people only in classes, and actually I don’t want more (they I suppose neither). And I realized that except Nastya I don’t have friends here. But I love my souvenirs about Inara and Coline and I share my thoughts and moods with them. Again – here I’m alone. I’m alone in my dance team; I’m still an outsider on work, I’m alone in French college. It’s a little bit a strange feeling for sociable me. But I can’t say that it hurts me. I feel as avoiding deep relations as I don’t feel this world as a world where I’m going to spend my life. Weird, but I stopped at some point being nice with people. In my mind this world is a challenge and I just feel as I should go through it, stand this hard test to deserve happiness. It gives me more and more problems and hardships as trying to fall me. I’m in permanent struggling with this world around me. I don’t accept it, it doesn’t accept me in reverse.

When your life is full of misfortunes and failures every sign of a warm attitude is much more noticeable. Thank you, nice girls from a Center of Social Security. You are real inconspicuous heroes of this world – every day you make so many people happy and feel better, you even safe despaired hearts. And you are so simple and unpretentious, but so kind and sympathetic.

From preceding:

 You know, one day these strange and enticing lights outside the window an this solitude inside you will remain just souvenirs of the past, distant and passed…

It is definitely contra-indicated for girls not having enough sleep, carrying heavy bags and leaving far away from their boyfriends – they become malicious, arrogant and acrimonious racists.

When there is at least a tiny piece of blue sky reflected it the puddle, it’s already easier to stay up.