01/28/2013
It always happens like that – everything seems to be
sleepy and calm, when suddenly something falls upon you and you feel like a
fish on land. Mom has called me and said that Nastya is in the hospital with a
threat of miscarriage (damn, I’ve already learnt this horrible word). And tons
of bad thoughts came. Nothing is clear yet, but mom said it’s very bad in such
early period, because for 70% it means that the kid could be born with some
defects in health (it’s even better to make the abortion). I couldn’t believe
that everything is so bad. She had a bleeding, and I’m worrying about her as
well – it’s really dangerous for her life. And this uncertainty… She wrote that
it is killing her – she wants to know what is going on, but doctors (oh, stupid
Russian doctors!) couldn’t say anything for sure.
And my fears had come again – fears that what I’m
dreaming about will fail and won’t happen for some reasons when I’ll be already
sure that everything is going the right way. All these fears and
worries don’t allow me to feel happiness, to enjoy my living now, my relations,
my dreams.
I was dreaming about this baby just today. What if
something bad would happen? No, it shouldn’t! The new year should be happy and
lucky! To compensate for a half of 2012. It should. I believed you.
Yesterday came the thought that I want to go to Istanbul. I
want to go there along, to walk on the streets thinking and feeling, to drop in
the mosques, to sit barefooted on the carpet with a head wrapped up with a
headscarf and feel safe and calm, to find the harmony with a world again, and
to find my right way. To find the mystery of life. To escape this dirty snow
and empty heart, this low grey sky and black jackets. I need sun, I need a
hope.
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