02.21.2013

02.21.2013

Yesterday I was too tired to write things down and went to bed early. And I must admit – it’s such an amazing feeling to go to bed early and then to wake up in the morning without the alarm after having enough sleep. May be it’s a waste of time though but it feels sooo good!

Yesterday was such a great day, although pretty inefficient in terms of preparing to my study and work. But on the other side it was so wonderful to meet dad, to spend time with him, to talk about movies, literature and history. He’s the only one I can have such a profound conversation on these topics. He repeated 3 times: “Come to visit us already…” I feel kind of guilty and sorry. Dad is not the person who will talk about feelings too much, and if HE said it three times instinctively that means they are really missing me. Damn it! I promised to come every month and what? I can’t come even for holidays. I love my work but I hate this inability to see my family. I know that I do right things; I’m earning my living but still… Looks like again I’m choosing work instead of family.   

Thoughts in a subway: one of the repulsive scenes – a girl making up in a subway. A girl should keep her secrets “chez elle”.

A tremendous evening with the best music ever (jazz evening with Sabina). Incredibly beautiful songs about love, about girls, about guys, about feelings and emotions, about words and about silence. And lovely music, to which you get completely relaxed and warmed. At one moment I even felt swimming to a wonderful sea of love and happiness, when you know for sure that your time is coming and despite all hardships you’ll be together. And it hit me that actually he had changed my life a lot. It’s not just dating some guy, who if leaves you wouldn’t make your life too different from what it was. I’m already not what I was before meeting him and there is no way to come back. English became my second native language, I love speaking it and I can’t imagine myself staying here and forgetting this “English universe”. The whole my mind is turned to other direction – there is no way for me to stay. And it scares me – I don’t want to be broken if something goes wrong. But at the same time it motivates to move on. Cause it’s not only him– it’s myself who has changed what means that from now I can move only forward.

Even while working out I’ m glad to feel strong and powered (especially working with weights) and knowing that my body is perfect and still modifying to better.